Help! Recovering from an INFJ Door Slam

Do you haz relationshipz? Do they huurt?
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Help! Recovering from an INFJ Door Slam

Post by Diana » Sun Aug 20, 2017 3:07 pm

Hello fellow INFPs!

Thank you for having me. I was introduced to the MBTI type and found it very insightful, in understanding myself and others.

I joined this forum hoping to seek some solace on managing hurt from an INFJ door slam. Here's some background info before we begin:

Myself: INFP, straight, PTSD with traumas of men, vulnerable to rejection, private
Him: INFJ, homosexual, past bullying and discrimination experiences, Asperger traits, vulnerable to rejection, extremely private

We had worked together for two years. I first met him as an early career psychologist. Being older, he mentored and took me under his wing. We noticed similarities in temperament and got along well. He noticed my hesitancy and fears of men hence took steps to make me comfortable. I noticed his social awkwardness and homosexual tendencies hence provided a safe space (in our conservative culture it is a punishable crime). We had an older brother-younger sister type relationship.

Around February this year, he found a new job at a different organisation. He was discouraged by the politics and expressed his hopes that I would strengthen his legacy for him. I liaised with the different departments, collected handwritten cards and planned a farewell gathering for him. The outpouring of support and gratitude for his contributions was touching. He was extremely, extremely, extremely happy and suspected I was behind it.

Disliking attention, I didn't tell him I ran around planning and organizing. I forgot to write his cards. I couldn't attend all the fancy gatherings I had organised on his behalf (I was managing some private stressors and was recharging).

As he prepared to leave on his last week, he was still supportive outwardly (in action), but getting more emotionally distant. I sensed discontent but did not know what it was. On his last day he didn't say goodbye and snapped at me; I went home in tears. Our text messages dwindled. I texted him in April: Is everything alright with you? Please be honest.

He replied saying that he's done nothing but listen, support, encourage and help me throughout--he thought I'd be appreciative at least. He said that I had given off some accusatory vibes, I was upset with him- and he said that he was an innocent party and he'd done nothing wrong. He said he's done all he can to provide a safe harbour. He said I needed to manage my PTSD better. He asked to be left alone for a while, if that's okay with me, and to please respect that he's a private person and needs his space. He then blocked me.

I was so confused. I didn't know he felt so hurt. I burst into tears and cried. Upon reflection, I was managing some stressors in my private domain and my PTSD relapsed. I recall jumping about and looking anxious (PTSD symptoms) when he (being a man) approached. I didn't tell him; I knew he had so much on his plate and did not want him to worry. I was also constantly unavailable when he needed to chat (because I was so busy planning his farewell events in respect of his legacy). He likely picked up these cues, was angered thinking he triggered my PTSD, felt rejected, and took it very very personally.

After a week, I posted him a card expressing my gratitude for his contributions, my apologies for hurting him, and my respect for his need for space to recharge. I also said that I was managing some private stressors and hoped he'll forgive me in time.

He never replied.

I felt like I've lost my annoying but caring older brother. I still feel hurt and angry from what happened. I felt it was a misunderstanding in communication which went horribly wrong. I've accepted that the friendship is over (knowing us INFx types!). But I wish that he had spoken up earlier, and I wish I had the opportunity to at least talk things out. It's a painful learning lesson for me.

Any kind, constructive and non-judgmental comments or insights are appreciated, as I'm still feeling rather vulnerable and hurt :( I appreciate any feedback or tips on moving on. Thanks for listening, everyone.

Kind regards,

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Re: Help! Recovering from an INFJ Door Slam

Post by crow » Sun Aug 20, 2017 7:11 pm

When people get completely wrapped up in themselves and their feelings, losing track of the wider world, this is the result.
Step back. Way back. Find a forest. Spend time in it. Appreciate being alone. And being alive.

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