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Very, very confused.

Posted: Wed Nov 11, 2015 1:42 am
by Healer379
Hey everybody...

Been a while since I've been here, and didn't get a chance to check out what you all have been writing, although it looks pretty cool.

I'm having a completely weird experience where I am functioning almost automatically, appearing grounded, happy, and normal... But inside I'm like not there.

This has been going on for about a week already, and I'm at my wits end trying to figure out what's wrong.

The ups and downs of this week have been down the more I spoke, did technical things, and had deadlines and demands thrown at me. It expressed itself in that I went to bed extremely early (I'm usually up very late) and ate tons of gluten, which I don't even like. I was not motivated to get up, think, cry, nothing. Empty. Dead. Brain on two legs.

The ups were when I forced myself to go on a walk and write in a quiet place outside... And slowly counsel myself into feeling... Doing 5 sense exercises.. Celebrating and validating every emotion..

And then I felt normal. But the next day it happened again...
And again. For a week.
I know it sounds like depression, but really? Looked it up online, and my symptoms are mild in comparison, but my lack of EXPERIENCE is way more. I'm functioning at work, with friends.. Etc. But I'm not me inside.

I feel stupid that this is happening, and I feel scared that I might be having a breakdown ... And the unpredictability and unknown feels so unsafe.

Even right now, this moment... I feel so ...weird. Like I'm not really typing this, although obviously I am, and I sense it physically.

I could go on a walk again. Ground myself through thinking in a very, very concentrated way... But what the hell is wrong with me. Why is this happening.

The only explanation I could think of, is that I'm escaping responsibilities that have become overwhelming and painful... and shut off my heart subconsciously because of that.

EXCEPT... Lol. My life has been filled with painful responsibilities, and this never happened... And I've built a solid trust system with feeling my emotions, so why am I turning on myself like this now?

I sound confusing even to myself, so it would be pretty unbelievable if any of you understand what I'm saying, let alone the patience to sit through this whole page...

All comments and suggestions welcome. But in a way I can take it ;) I've become very sensitive lately (eyes covered monkey emoji)

Re: Very, very confused.

Posted: Wed Nov 11, 2015 2:28 am
by crow
This is textbook stuff, except anybody that could write the textbook wouldn't bother doing it.
You self identify as a healer. But you haven't healed yourself.
This is called 'alienation', and it's the inevitable destination of modern socialistic thinking.
You mention relying on emotions, that you know and trust.
Bad idea.

The sane state is almost emotionless. The sane state has its hands full remaining sane, within modern context. The sane state doesn't cast around for people to heal.

I'm more or less a taoist, and you can easily see it in my writing. It suffuses every minute of every day.
Put simply, it is this:
"It Is What It Is."

Sounds simple, and so you move on. But don't. Linger on those words, and remember them. Years will pass before you understand them.
But you have years.

Don't worry. Nobody can keep up the act, indefinitely. It's exhausting.
An act?

Everybody acts, non-stop, because they have no idea what it is to just be. To be what you act-out, instead of just acting it out.
If none of this applies, ignore it. But I can guarantee it does apply. It applies to everyone who has never stopped to consider.

Re: Very, very confused.

Posted: Wed Nov 11, 2015 5:12 am
by Healer379
Thank you for replying Mr Crow.

Its clear that we have different opinions on the emotion thing. Which makes you feel that this state of mine is positive, and that I should maintain since it will improve my sanity and truth.

I hear you, but like I said, we have different beliefs/opinions. Even if you believe yours to be pure, objective truth, I have the right to subjective opinion as to what is my truth, comfort, fulfillment, and desires.

I feel like that right isn't properly respected in your answer, and it bothered me to read it.

A thing or two about me: telling me to do something, without explanation that I can understand, especially if it goes against what I feel to be intuitively correct... Against my moral compass, especially as I do not know you, makes me feel invaded and therefore, react defensively.

I appreciate that you are consciously aware that its up to me to decide whether or not what you wrote applies to me.

Thank you again for replying. I mean no negativity, only to be clear on a boundary of mine, and that I will not enter into conversation where that boundary is invaded.

Re: Very, very confused.

Posted: Wed Nov 11, 2015 5:46 am
by crow
The boundaries are what prompted your OP. You can see how useful boundaries are.
But I am not a healer, at least not any more.
You choose your poison, or your health.
My health renders me immune to your rejection.
Good thing, eh?

Re: Very, very confused.

Posted: Wed Nov 11, 2015 4:55 pm
by Entity
We're all here for you, Healer, and we're glad you're back.

Re: Very, very confused.

Posted: Thu Nov 12, 2015 8:25 pm
by Dohavior
Healer379 wrote:I'm having a completely weird experience where I am functioning almost automatically, appearing grounded, happy, and normal... But inside I'm like not there.
Your blood is thinned. This is how a lesser intellect thinks.

Example: Blind people can sometimes complete sighted tasks, but are still unaware of what they see.

This new change could be the result of picking up a drinking habit or some other anti-coagulant usage.

This page was a rather interesting read:

That part about hydrochloric acid in the stomach seems like a good lead.

Re: Very, very confused.

Posted: Fri Nov 13, 2015 7:50 pm
by Healer379
Thank you for replying, Entity, and INTP - don't know what you go by.

I don't drink though... And don't have any addictions.
I've just come to a place where every night or so I need to remind myself to feel or I become this machined shadow of myself.

I'm working with an autistic child now (13 yrs old) for a large part of my work day, and he's recently been in a lockdown sort of thing, where he's on strong sedation and can't be around other children.
I was asked to spend this isolation period with him, and its possible that that has had this numbing effect on me...

It's just odd that an experience can have such an effect - even after I leave work... For an extended amount of time...

I generally greatly appreciate the special needs population, and in all my time spent with them, this never happened...

May just have to claim myself a weirdo and that's it :)

Re: Very, very confused.

Posted: Fri Nov 13, 2015 7:51 pm
by Healer379
*thank you Dohavior