I need help with an abusive INFP

Do you haz relationshipz? Do they huurt?
Throwaway?
Posts: 9
Joined: Mon Apr 10, 2017 2:51 pm
MBTI type: INTJ
Gender (M or F): F

I need help with an abusive INFP

Post by Throwaway? » Mon Apr 10, 2017 3:43 pm

Hello INFPs! I joined this forum today to ask for advice on how to save a bridge built between an INFP roommate and the rest of us (ENFP, INTP, and myself the INTJ). I am convinced that this INFP is terribly broken, and as a result has resorted to bullying others and pretending to be the victim when people don't give in.

Preface: I have been living with ENFP and INTP for some years now (typical college roommate situation, typical characteristics of each respective MBTI type). INFP moved in with us a little over half a year ago, under an agreement that they play maid in exchange for most of their rent being paid. Please note that money is extremely tight for all of us and INFP is unemployed, though INFP sleeps with people so they buy them stuff, give them money, take them on vacation, etc (INFP lives a much more luxurious lifestyle than any of us sans financial independence).

Last week: INFP has been slacking with chores to the point that I and ENFP were doing just as much work; they've been really busy and were even hospitalized recently (this is a common occurrence due to permanent medical problems), so we're trying to be accommodating. While away, I texted INFP if they would help us spring clean this weekend, to which they gave a "sure" response.

Yesterday: INFP unexpectedly leaves in the morning without saying anything. We get started on the spring cleaning but haven't heard anything from them for several hours so I send a text asking when they will be home and if they can help with spring cleaning.

Then all hell breaks lose.

INFP sends walls of text explaining that they are all caught up on chores and that they don't want to work on the weekend. I try reasoning with them (in a tactful ENFP-approved way) about the prior agreement and that the house hasn't been cleaned, but to no avail. I would be given some hyper-defensive excuse on why it's not their problem that they didn't do chores, and I was repeatedly accused of demanding them to come home and skip their weekend (which never happened, as I explained FOUR times that I didn't know it was their weekend and wasn't asking them to do stuff right then).

I finally gave up on texting, and ENFP tried to pacify their wounds via texting. ENFP offered to make a favorite meal for INFP that night and we can all sit down and talk about the misunderstanding (ENFP and INTP both read my texts in entirety prior and did their best to coach me on what to say-- same thing was happening with ENFP at this point, so this is all collaborative at this point).

INFP comes home acting very sullen and avoidant of everyone, but perks right up when dinner is ready, and upon finishing, initiates the dreaded conversation. It starts with them saying that they did everything, and that for some reason it takes them 2 hours to do a small load of dishes 4 days of the week, and how they need a 3 day weekend so can't be expected to do anything then (same strawman-esque attack). I praise them for what work they have been doing, but then point out that ALL the chores they have been doing are never finished (ie, a lot of the dishes are not cleaned all the way, the edges of the floors aren't cleaned when mopping goes on, ditto to counter edges and crevices, and they don't even touch the other rooms anymore, etc).

Then INFP literally starts yelling (not screaming, but very clearly trying to drown out everyone else-- something I've never witnessed before and didn't know they had it in them). They accuse me of being unreasonable and unfair, and insist they do a lot more chores when everyone is gone and that things just get dirty too fast for us to notice.

I bring up their chore log (where they input all the work they do for legal purposes like taxes and such) as evidence of them doing barely any work (~11 hours per month average chores, ACCORDING TO THEIR OWN LOG WHICH NO ONE ELSE MESSES WITH), and they shut me down by claiming that they forget to put most chores in there. I ask them how long it takes them to do a given chore, and then add up the amount of time it would take to do it 4 times per week (because 3 day weekend), which adds up to about the same amount of time listed in the chore log, and they shut me down again by saying they don't care about the math. When I brought up how they make 1/4 of the mess (so that they effectively are only working 8.8 hours per month) they yelled "you have to pay me to do my share of chores because it's hourly wage!" and tried to convince me restaurant employers would pay their employees to clean up personal messes too.

At this point I walk out and wish the best of luck to INTP and ENFP since I was basically talking to a brick at that point.

As soon as I leave the room, INFP continues being uncharacteristically loud, and tried convincing the other two that I'm crazy and need therapy. They point out that they've had issues with chores being done too, but INFP wouldn't have it. INFP eventually started yelling at ENFP (who has PTSD from prior abuse) and accusing ENFP of being abusive to me (apparently ENFP throws stuff at me? but can't name a single time or give any details that add up to anything), before finally blaming ENFP for the person who had abused them prior.

ENFP runs outside crying, and then INTP is next. INFP switches from yelling to bawling at INTP that I'm so unfair and that ENFP is also unfair. INTP acts like a friendly computer and attempts to bridge the gaps, only for INFP to ask between sobs how much money INTP makes, to which INTP looked up an exact answer (under the poverty line, but more than anyone else-- this person has like a 70 hours workweek with school though). INFP didn't like this, and starts complaining "I'm your maid! how much do you expect of me! you make more than me, I don't know what it's like!" and INTP tried pointing out how they aren't to blame and that it's irrelevant to them not doing chores.

Then INFP's boyfriend picks them up which ends the conversation abruptly. Thought that was the end, but NOPE! Everyone's mutual friend and INTP's ex-lover, INFJ, texts us that we are abusive compulsive liars. Upon elaborating, apparently we stole INFP's food stamps and then denied them food. This was literally after ENFP went out of their way to make them a favorite meal that INTP couldn't even eat, and literally the day before they would get their food stamps anyway. We cook for INFP regularly and get the groceries and they barely ever contribute (they waste their stamps on expensive junk food instead). When ENFP pressed INFP for an answer on why INFJ would think that, INFP played dumb.

Not doing chores and lying about it is one thing, scapegoating on the evil mastermind INTJ is another, but victim-blaming ENFP and metaphorically spitting in their face with such rumors is beyond anything I would ever expect of an INFP.

Advice?
Last edited by Throwaway? on Mon Apr 10, 2017 8:40 pm, edited 1 time in total.

User avatar
crow
Posts: 748
Joined: Tue Nov 11, 2014 5:19 am
MBTI type: INFJ
Gender (M or F): M
Location: Among trees.
Contact:

Re: Help! An INFP went bad!

Post by crow » Mon Apr 10, 2017 4:29 pm

This is what happens when people ignore the real world and focus too much on other people, mistaking people-stuff for the real world.
Self-focus = neurosis. People-focus = neuroses. Real world = real life.
Unpopular but true.

Throwaway?
Posts: 9
Joined: Mon Apr 10, 2017 2:51 pm
MBTI type: INTJ
Gender (M or F): F

Re: Help! An INFP went bad!

Post by Throwaway? » Mon Apr 10, 2017 4:46 pm

Hi crow,

Would you care to elaborate? I'm wondering which people in this situation appears to have neurosis versus neuroses versus a real life focus? Do you have any tips on how we (ENFP, INTP, me) can change? Any tips on how to communicate with INFP to fix these issues or reach a compromise? ENFP made a point of always praising INFP and acknowledging good work done, which up until now had always been effective, so this is completely new territory where bullying and victim playing have escalated to nothing any of us have experienced before.

User avatar
crow
Posts: 748
Joined: Tue Nov 11, 2014 5:19 am
MBTI type: INFJ
Gender (M or F): M
Location: Among trees.
Contact:

Re: Help! An INFP went bad!

Post by crow » Mon Apr 10, 2017 5:23 pm

There's not a lot to elaborate on. The truth is in the pudding :)
What you describe is 'people problems' and they accompany people like their own shadows.
Best advice is to practice non-reaction, which is a refinement of acceptance.
But if this was easy, everybody would be doing it.

Throwaway?
Posts: 9
Joined: Mon Apr 10, 2017 2:51 pm
MBTI type: INTJ
Gender (M or F): F

Re: Help! An INFP went bad!

Post by Throwaway? » Mon Apr 10, 2017 5:25 pm

What, in your opinion, are the pros and cons of non-reaction? Is this essentially ignoring INFP and hope they correct themselves, or perhaps allowing them to continue bullying others?

User avatar
crow
Posts: 748
Joined: Tue Nov 11, 2014 5:19 am
MBTI type: INFJ
Gender (M or F): M
Location: Among trees.
Contact:

Re: Help! An INFP went bad!

Post by crow » Mon Apr 10, 2017 5:41 pm

There's nothing you can do about anybody else. But a whole lot you can do about yourself.
People often obsess about 'saving the world', yet never give a moment's consideration to optimizing themselves.

You mention 'bullying', and this is something many people see as outright bad. But is it? One thing you can certainly say about it is that it is natural.

Like stubbing your toe, bullying is very unpleasant. But it teaches you to move more carefully.
Over time, you may learn to deal with bullying in ways you are as yet unaware of. In fact, just last week, I beat the living daylights out of a bully. There was, of course, a time when I would have been unable to do that.

Live and learn. If you're not learning, you're not living.

Throwaway?
Posts: 9
Joined: Mon Apr 10, 2017 2:51 pm
MBTI type: INTJ
Gender (M or F): F

Re: Help! An INFP went bad!

Post by Throwaway? » Mon Apr 10, 2017 6:15 pm

Hmm, quite the sage advice.

So in practical terms, you do not believe that it would be feasible to reach common grounds with INFP?

None of us feel particularly threatened (ie, in immediate danger) by the INFP, and we've mostly sworn off the gullible INFJ, but this does not solve the issue at hand. Namely, that we have a manipulative INFP spreading terrible rumors to anyone who will listen, presumably as a coverup to them not contributing rent or chores as agreed.

If this isn't solved, we will have to pitch in extra money and considerably more time just to avoid our place getting trashed (and INFP is probably making more than 1/4 of the mess anyway...).

Do you think non-reaction and doing all the cleaning will guilt them enough that they change? Should we instate punishment of some kind (eg, loss of dish privileges, since they belong to me and I don't take kindly to INFP demanding that I pay them to clean up from themselves)?

Non-reaction is appealing, but not sure if it will truly work when someone lives with you and is trying to screw you over any chance they get.

User avatar
crow
Posts: 748
Joined: Tue Nov 11, 2014 5:19 am
MBTI type: INFJ
Gender (M or F): M
Location: Among trees.
Contact:

Re: Help! An INFP went bad!

Post by crow » Mon Apr 10, 2017 6:36 pm

Non-reaction is not aimed at anybody else. Nothing at all to do with 'guilting'. It is what you learn to master for yourself.
If you can do that, 90% of your problem ceases to be a problem. You'll simply have modified how you feel about it.

What I'm talking about, here, is a taoist viewpoint. Drop by my website for the lowdown on this.

Throwaway?
Posts: 9
Joined: Mon Apr 10, 2017 2:51 pm
MBTI type: INTJ
Gender (M or F): F

Re: Help! An INFP went bad!

Post by Throwaway? » Mon Apr 10, 2017 8:38 pm


User avatar
crow
Posts: 748
Joined: Tue Nov 11, 2014 5:19 am
MBTI type: INFJ
Gender (M or F): M
Location: Among trees.
Contact:

Re: I need help with an abusive INFP

Post by crow » Mon Apr 10, 2017 8:58 pm

Probably not. Very few Westerners ever grasp taoism for what it is. It's slippery, like a mackerel.

Throwaway?
Posts: 9
Joined: Mon Apr 10, 2017 2:51 pm
MBTI type: INTJ
Gender (M or F): F

Re: I need help with an abusive INFP

Post by Throwaway? » Tue Apr 11, 2017 12:36 am

What are some major differences with Taoism and Stoicism?

User avatar
crow
Posts: 748
Joined: Tue Nov 11, 2014 5:19 am
MBTI type: INFJ
Gender (M or F): M
Location: Among trees.
Contact:

Re: I need help with an abusive INFP

Post by crow » Tue Apr 11, 2017 1:14 am

I know only about taoism, so I really couldn't say. I do hear, though, that the stoics had some good things going for them. Marcus Aurelius often surfaces here and there, and comes to my attention. I'd say he knew what was what.

Entity
Posts: 794
Joined: Wed Jul 15, 2015 5:19 pm
MBTI type: INFP
Gender (M or F): M
Location: Lothlorien

Re: I need help with an abusive INFP

Post by Entity » Tue Apr 11, 2017 1:58 am

Hm...
I'm not on the level of Taoism that crow is on, but I'll try to give my perspective.
Clearly INFP is manipulative, to a seemingly antisocial state. She seems to have lied to the INFJ, and probably others, to receive pity and the lavishment of gifts from others. Would it be financially possible to kick the INFP out? I would recommend doing so. Does she have any say in the lease of the apartment/flat/wherever else you could live? If not, toodle-oo! Or at least, that's how I would do it.
INFJ seems to have been easily manipulated. She may have put too much trust in the INFP.
Now, I'm actually very young, and haven't lived with anyone but my own loving family, so you should take my advice with a grain of salt.
"A penny saved is a penny you keep." -Me

Throwaway?
Posts: 9
Joined: Mon Apr 10, 2017 2:51 pm
MBTI type: INTJ
Gender (M or F): F

Re: I need help with an abusive INFP

Post by Throwaway? » Tue Apr 11, 2017 5:16 pm

Thanks Entity. You explanation lines up with my own, but the odd thing is that they're normally very pro-social and passive (hence the big shock). Here's some more updates:

Yesterday INFJ drives INFP to the house for INFP to make us sign something without reading it (they said they needed to get on another lease and would move out within 2 days of being signed off). ENFP signs it, and I say I'll wait until INTP is here to sign. INFP refuses to leave the paper here, and pressures me to sign anyway but I keep saying I'll wait since I don't trust them anymore. They get really upset and say that I'm manipulative, and then I called them a liar (pointing out exact instances, specifically what they appeared to have told INFJ). Their excuse was something along the lines of one time long ago I had made BREAKFAST for ENFP and INTP, but I didn't make any for them; INFP admitted that they never asked or said anything. After a few insults (such that I am crazy, I don't have any friends, everyone's problems are the result of me, etc), they walk out and seemed to have a heated exchange with INFJ. INFJ hasn't said anything since, but there's no way INFJ would have thought me not making breakfast is the same as this theft and food denial we were accused of. They also sent some texts to the others explaining that I always tear them down and abuse them, and how they lost all their friends because of me (ironically, this being after INFP was literally yelling at them and had been mocking them for having mild mental disorders on and off since first moving it).

Next up, INFP comes over with INFJ's sibling, ENTJ (who is decidedly anti-drama and waits by the door), and demands that I sign the paper. I state again that I already offered to sign it AND talk to INTP if it is left here, which they claimed that I never said that. The best retort was, "yes I did, INFJ was there, ENFP was there... go ask them if you forgot," to which they walked off without a word. Hopefully ENTJ starts having doubts too, since INFJ would probably remember and could verify the prior incident.

This morning apparently INFP got their boyfriend to go over there, but they sat in the driveway and left (presumably because people were already home).

So good news is that they're probably trying to get off the lease, but the bad news is they're trying to bring everyone else into this and keep changing their stories to make me look bad.

User avatar
crow
Posts: 748
Joined: Tue Nov 11, 2014 5:19 am
MBTI type: INFJ
Gender (M or F): M
Location: Among trees.
Contact:

Re: I need help with an abusive INFP

Post by crow » Tue Apr 11, 2017 6:03 pm

Yep. Everybody's against you, and you're showing distinct signs of paranoia.
Why would you care about "looking bad" to anybody?
As Lao Tzu says: "Care about what others think of you, and you will always be their slave."

How do you like yourself? Are you good? Bad? A bit of both? If you're doing your best, who can fault you? If you're not, its no wonder they do.

Imagine how fine it would be to remain blissfully unmoved by the crazy antics of other people. Or of your own.

Post Reply

Who is online

Users browsing this forum: No registered users and 1 guest