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Trying to understand the INFP from an INTJ perspective.

Posted: Thu Jan 28, 2016 5:10 am
by KneeDeep
Hello Group,

I am an INTJ female who had a "sort of" relationship with an INFP male that has now left me utterly confused/upset/generally sorrowful. I've attempted to understand it from within myself, but realized I really needed to gain good perspective from people who have insight into him in ways I probably do not.

So, sit back, buckle up, and enjoy the story...

We met online with no intentions of meeting. One of the first things he ever said to me was that he "never wanted a relationship again," because he was tired of being hurt. In his mid-40's, he'd only ever had two relationships in his life - long ones - that both ended very badly for him, the most recent of which when his girlfriend left him for her boss. I stated I was not interested in a relationship, so that was that.

But not so much. We wound up speaking for sixteen hours (text) the next day. We were hooked. And, over the next several months we literally talked via phone, text or Skype every. single. day.

He told me he loved me.

My response? I flew - nearly four-thousand miles, to another country - to meet him. We had an incredible, emotionally-charged vacation that ended in more tears than I think either of us had cried in our entire lives. It was devastating.

When I got back, some sort of reality seemed to hit him. I was afraid to move to another part of the world; I was making plans, but they were admittedly slow. Within a matter of weeks, he had completely holed himself up and started making statements he had not said since that first night or two of chatting - all the stuff about never wanting a relationship. Up till that point, he had changed tune completely, regularly telling me he loved me, I could be the "One," that he imagined me in a white was beautiful and poetic.

Sadly, he closed the door. No, actually, he slammed the door shut and laid bricks in front of it. I am sure my fears only added to his. So, he retreated into this hole and increasingly denied that we could ever be or ever would have been - "reminded" me it was never going to be, staking claim on that single conversation while ignoring the thousands after where we crafted up plans of loving each other endlessly.

He kissed another woman and made a point to tell me about.

He told me I had forever changed him and that, while his previous twelve year relationship took him "ten minutes to get over," I was going to take him "ten years."

I cried. I pleaded. I took drastic measures to be able to be with him immediately. But the door was shut, the bricks laid.

Our speaking went from daily to weekly. Then a full two months following a fight where I admittedly lost it and screamed and begged for him to tell me why he made these bold proclamations of love to only say it could never be. Those two months of silence were terrible. Awful. I was an absolute mess.

Shortly before Christmas, we came back into contact. We had a very emotionally-charged conversation that lasted eight hours and turned pretty sexual at the end. Considering the intense passion we had while we were together, that doesn't surprise me.

Since then, he's been in and out of my life over the last month. I don't understand. On one hand he apologizes profusely, telling me he cannot be in a relationship ever again. That he just wants to be alone, because he is "happy because it is simple." He says being hurt so much has completely turned off his desire to ever have a relationship again.

On the flip side, he is calling me all the nicknames he used to use and speaking in that endearing manner that is familiar in the most haunting way. I am so confused. One minute he's apologizing, the next he's ignoring me, and the next he's using terms reminiscent of our time together.

I don't know what to do. I understand brokenness. I even respect that he may need time. I do struggle to believe that a man who had two relationships totaling 25 years could really never have one again. It seems so against the nature of the INFP.

Now I am left wondering...

Did he really stop loving me?

Will he really always be alone?

Should I wait for him? Honestly, I would wait a couple of years, if need be. I don't ever want to look back and have missed out due to impatience.

And if do I proceed? How do I tread lightly in a way that respects his needs and his current place in the world without pushing him away? I want him to go through his darkness and come out the other end seeing I have stayed - seeing I have not left like the others.

But I need to hear from other INFPs to understand if I'm even doing this properly. Or if there's even a point.

Many thanks in advance. xx

Re: Trying to understand the INFP from an INTJ perspective.

Posted: Thu Jan 28, 2016 5:35 am
by crow
Ugh. The pain of intimacy. I cringe to read it. But well told, and honest. I bet you felt better for it.
I'm not an INFp, but I am very experienced in difficult relationships, tragic ones, nightmarish ones, and a lasting one, currently 20 years in.
So here's my best and only clue:
There's nothing you can, or should, do. With the best will, and greatest effort in the world, still it's only 50% of the game.
Let him know the truth of how you feel. No manipulations. Then it's his move. He'll make it, or he won't.

I'm glad I'm not you!
Then again, I've done my time, and paid in blood. It's a minefield, trying to reach safety, and the right pair of arms, for you.
I hope you come out of it all, for the best.

Re: Trying to understand the INFP from an INTJ perspective.

Posted: Wed Apr 13, 2016 12:50 pm
by Non
Doesn't sound like a very stable relationship, you might just want to move on instead of being hurt.

Re: Trying to understand the INFP from an INTJ perspective.

Posted: Wed Apr 13, 2016 6:17 pm
by crow
Life and love are like physical combat: to win at them, you have to accept that you will take a certain amount of damage.
Undeterred is the best of all stances.