what is happening in my head right now

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owiekapowie
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what is happening in my head right now

Post by owiekapowie » Fri Jun 05, 2015 1:53 am

I am sitting here and not moving, i have no way to make myself heard, and i lack the strength to take the next step, i know what i need to do for so many things, but the fear of losing so many things because i have walked down a certain path scares me, i cannot be everything, i cannot be any one thing. I don't know what to be and i don't know how to be. I am scared of life, and yet death doesn't frighten me, i can see the world through the eyes of everybody, but i don't know how to look through my own eyes. i sit and sit, and yet it seems that i cannot move past what i have been. Stagnation is all around me and I am a part of it, i wish i could just keep moving but movement is frightening, staying like this might kill me though, and don't get me wrong i would never harm myself, but i cant find a way to be anything more than what i already am, and i cant see any reason to like myself for what i am. I miss everyone that i am not near,, and yet i can only choose to be near a few or none, there is no way to be around everyone because all that are there are broken fragments of what was left behind, it pains my soul to see what what my family is, and it hurts me to not be able to bring anyone back together, i don't want to save the world, i just want a home that isn't me sitting by myself with no one that understands me. how can i be anything if i am simply alone in a place, i make others happy, i go out of my way to make others feel good and smile, and yet it seems that no one cares about what i have underneath a smile that may or may not be fake, i don't know what to be or where to be, and while i can give and give i don't know how to receive or if i am really receiving at all. my head spins and as i write this i wonder what i am saying, i wont look at it again, but i will give it to others to judge, perhaps anothers thoughts could help me see what i am missing, because i cannot find my own problems even when i know them, i can show others a beautiful path through life but i cant see my own even with it layed out in front of me.

potatotoro
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Re: what is happening in my head right now

Post by potatotoro » Fri Jun 05, 2015 2:40 pm

I think you need to do some serious soul searching.find what you want/what interests you/a goal, and go for it.
if you don't like sitting around then STOP sitting around, go and smell the roses!
maybe that means watching a documentary on something you've always been interested in,going on a road trip with your friends to somewhere you've always wanted to go,reading a good book,go on a walk, live your life!the world is your oyster!
talk to the closest person in your life about you feelings,if you're to afraid of what they might think.then talk to God,you can tell Him anything.
You seem to really put others before yourself, and thats great!but you need to stop thinking of yourself as a slave, doing nice things for people you don't want to do.next time you do something nice for someone don't think about how they would never do this for you (a problem I have) think about how nice it must be to have someone do that.in conclusion.
only a life lived for others is a life worth living .-albert einstein and you seem to be on the right track for that, you just need a different outlook. my writing isn't as eloquent and colorful as yours but I hope you get the jist. (:

owiekapowie
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Re: what is happening in my head right now

Post by owiekapowie » Fri Jun 05, 2015 2:50 pm

I do, thank you for the kind words

potatotoro
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Re: what is happening in my head right now

Post by potatotoro » Sat Jun 06, 2015 2:05 pm

ur welcome

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pessimist
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Re: what is happening in my head right now

Post by pessimist » Sun Jul 12, 2015 2:51 am

I am wondering why this place has zero activity.

owiekapowie
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Re: what is happening in my head right now

Post by owiekapowie » Mon Jul 13, 2015 7:31 pm

Because its in the boonies

elysia
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Re: what is happening in my head right now

Post by elysia » Thu Jan 26, 2017 9:03 am

Hey, man. It's been a year since you've posted this. I hope you're feeling more clear-headed. Your post sounds like a journal entry from my younger self. Although I don't think I have felt the exact same way, I know what it's like to feel so contradictory and stuck. I have felt like my mind was falling apart. I have felt so painfully isolated. I have seen the hope for others but not for myself.
I'm on the other end now. While I still feel like an outsider, and while I sometimes feel very stuck, I see the hope for myself. My thoughts aren't clouded anymore. I'm generally a happy person and very optimistic. Although I didn't see the hope for myself, it was always there. And it's always there for you, too. I know it may not feel this way, but you AREN'T alone. You aren't the only one with those thoughts and feelings. You're a human being who is just trying to survive, and we all try to survive differently. Keep taking baby steps, baby inches, baby millimeters. Any movement at all, even a shift in your seat, is progress.

Entity
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Re: what is happening in my head right now

Post by Entity » Fri Jan 27, 2017 2:28 am

It's been so long since potatotoro has really posted here. I can't really say I miss her, because we email each other now, but her being on this forum was nice.
"A penny saved is a penny you keep." -Me

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