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Am I being selfish? :(

Posted: Wed Jan 09, 2013 7:18 am
by Nihon
If talking about sex bothers you, please don't read this post.
My boyfriend and I have been going out for 2 years and we live together. We're both really loyal types and can be pretty idealistic so we're both really sure we want to be together for the rest of our lives. The thing is... I don't really like doing stuff with him. After the first time we did things, I didn't like it at all and I never wanted to have anything to do with sex-related stuff. It made me feel so sick and horrible. I almost threw up. Every time, it made me feel sick and made me want to throw and made me want to cry. But he wanted to, so I did. It's not that I didn't/don't want him to be happy - I love seeing that he's enjoying something I do for him and I'll do things that are way way out of my comfort zone to please him. I mean, just plain old regular sex would be fine with me. I think that's normal and good, but he says he wants to wait till we're married. That's fine with me, but he wants to do everything other than have intercourse. And he wants to do stuff so often, too. It just all makes me really uncomfortable. I don't like doing all this stuff, especially oral... it makes me feel like I'm going to throw up and it really scares me. I've tried so hard for over a year not to be scared but it still scares me almost every time. I keep doing it because I want him to be satisfied. He told me not to do anything I don't like doing but how could I just not doing things for him? Wouldn't that make me a really terrible person? I know that he says he wouldn't resent me if I didn't do it for him but I can't believe that. One time, he said something really awful and I got very mad and blew up at him. I started telling him that I felt like he was treating me like a doll and it wasn't fair that he expected so much of me... later on, I felt really bad that I said that. He got really sad and said that he'd never understood that I really didn't like what I was doing because he always liked doing things. I said it was different because female anatomy is different so the things he does to me don't hurt him like the things I do to him end up hurting me. He felt bad but I knew he still wanted things so I kept doing them. But it's just starting to feel like such a heavy burden now. I don't want this. I wish I were a boy and he were a girl and then I could do things that wouldn't hurt for her that wouldn't hurt and I'm much better at controlling myself so I could be really careful with her. And I would know all the signs so I could make sure she didn't get hurt, and I would know all the right things to say so that she would never feel like I cared more about being satisfied than about her. I feel like he gets all these ideas from reading too much anime porn... is it because I don't watch as much of it that I don't like things? I read an article that pretty much says that ( I feel like I would still never like all the stuff even if I looked at it all day long, though.

I also don't want him to do things for me. I told him that we just shouldn't ever do anything but he didn't like that idea. I said that he should just stop doing things for me but he said that would be unfair because he wants and really likes doing things to me. But I don't want him to. It makes me nervous when he does things to me. I'm always afraid I'll do something bad or hurt him or that he'll do something he doesn't really like and feel bad about it later. He says he would never do anything he doesn't like and I know he's a really straight forward and honest person, but when I think about how horrible it feels every time I have to do something I don't like, I just can't stand to think that there's even the tiniest possibility that somewhere in his mind he's stepping outside his comfort zone for me. I tried to tell him this last week and he said that it bothers him that I don't want to try to like the things I don't like. That made me very sad inside. I want to do things for him even though they scare me... why isn't that good enough for him? He says that he doesn't ever want me to be scared even though he wants things... that seems like a paradox and I can't understand it. Why should I ever want to change something about myself into something that I think is bad or disgusting? I think all the things he wants me to do and like are gross and nasty, so why does he want me to want to change myself and be someone who thinks these disgusting things are good things? Is it not enough to do things for someone? If I don't enjoy doing what I'm doing for him then am I just being selfish? I feel like such a bad person for being scared of doing these things and not enjoying doing things for him. But I don't know how I could ever want to enjoy all the weird things he talks about. Why can't we just have normal sex like regular people... that wouldn't be scary and we could both really enjoy it any be happy, but he admitted that he's always going to want to do other things no matter what. Why do I have to be a bad person just because I want to be regular? Why does he want me to like things I don't like? I couldn't make him happy if I didn't do things I don't like, so what else am I supposed to do? :(

Sorry that this is so long. It's just been all pent up inside me and I don't know what to do about all of it or how to make it any better.

Re: Am I being selfish? :(

Posted: Fri Mar 29, 2013 2:15 pm
by 4Eyes
This post broke my heart. No, you are NOT being selfish. Sit down and have a firm talk with him about this. If he can't understand that the things that he wants you to do with him are making you uncomfortable and keeps trying to have you do these things then that isn't right and you need to consider leaving him. If he truly loves you he should care about how the things you two are doing is making you feel mentally, emotionally, and physically. It sounds to me like this is an unhealthy relationship, he's showing very abusive and manipulative behavior. I've dealt with people like this before and it never ends well. Best thing is to just walk away and not look back. I understand that this can be difficult and that this may not like what I'm telling you, but take this from someone who's experienced abuse, if you don't do something now then it's only going to get worse.