INFP FORUM

Hello everyone I need help.

I'm an INFP with an ESTJ son. He's all grown up (30 yrs old), and we have had our ups and downs, but a couple years ago he joined the family restaurant business (at my suggestion), and it was nightmare from almost day one. I couldn't do anything right. I'm the mom, I tried to put that aside, take his advice, etc. Bottom line: after almost two years of working together, and him telling me he has no respect for me as a co-worker (I'm scattered and disorganized, but I have a system and it works for me, and I'm really good with customers, so, for me, I worked around my shortcomings, but it was never good enough for him), so after all this, we had a big blow up, I quit in order to save our relationship (how NF of me), and he very calmly told me on my last day of work that he is done with me. DONE.

That was February.

He is still not speaking to me.

I have given him space, gone in from time to time and waved, told him I love him. He will not let me hug him, won't respond to invitations to holiday dinners with his siblings and me.

So...

I was wondering...

Now that I've made a complete mess of everything...

How might an INFP speak to an ESTJ in his language?

We INFP's are supposed to be good at that sort of thing.

I've apologized, over and over for anything I did, it makes no difference. He says he is over the "drama," and will not have it back in his life.

Drama? Drama? And this, what you are doing to me, this is not drama?? I didn't say that to him. But I wanted to. I just want him back in my life. He's my son. I birthed him onto this planet. He's part of my soul.

Okay, so if you are still reading, and know any ESTJ's personally that you might ask, or have actually solved conflicts with them yourself, could you give me some pointers?

I've gone into a deep depression from this. I can't let him know that, because that might be seen as more 'drama.' I need help.

Thanks

Julie

I'm sorry to hear your story. It's one of the worst things to not be talking to your son and it would be even worse for me to not talk to my mom.

My dad is an ESTJ and he's very similar to your son when work is involved. It's just impossible to work with him. I've tried all sorts of methods and even when you're following all his orders you're still gonna do something wrong. But I've learned to be direct with him. If he's really over the line, going mental, I'll tell him but not in a confrontational style. Just a friendly reminder that he's going crazy over stupid things with maybe a laugh over it. I point out that nobody gets that worked up about details.

For me the key is staying calm and rational even when he's boiling up. My mom can't do that and she's always in conflict with him (she's ISFJ).

Most ESTJs are just bad with emotions and it doesn't help that they're also low on introspection. If only they were a little more aware of how much feelings affect them they'd profit so much from it.

Have you tried asking his siblings to help? I don't think he hates you. He might just be afraid of all the emotions that would surface when you make up.

My dad wasn't talking to his brother for years and it took the effort of my two aunts, a wedding, and some alcohol to get them to make up. ESTJs are too proud for their own good.

I've found that ESFPs and ISFPs are best at getting through to an ESTJ. Especially the male ones. With the female ones it's either love or hate.

Thank you so much for your insight. Not being a "thinker," it's so hard for me to understand what he is getting so upset about all the time. But then, I know it's my disorganization and inconsistency at work that drove him up a wall. Now that we don't have to work together, I thought he would mellow out and we could be mother and son again. But, as another Thinker pointed out to me recently, it was not just one thing I did, but many, many things over time that caused this. I'm torn between giving him more space (what choice do I have? We don't see each other) or writing him a letter, which may be interpreted by him as being dramatic.

You are right, even when I was following ALL his orders, I was still doing stuff wrong. I mean, I'd be going along, thinking, "Man, I've got it right now, this is so great, I haven't heard a complaint from him in days!" Then he would blow up at me over something small and say I had sucked all week, and he had just been holding back and going crazy inside. I had to get out of there. One of us was going to have a heart attack.

Siblings are out, but good suggestion. Thank you. They won't touch this. And he's not speaking to his sister at this point either, which leaves my other two sons, but they want to keep their relationship with us both.

I'm going to do more research on his temperament. Until this whole thing came out, I thought he was an ENTJ. He won't take the test. He says he doesn't need a test to define him. I thought he was much more introspective than he is, but then, NF's project like that.

Poor guy, being raised by a flaming NF with all the worst NF traits. He's probably working out issues.

Thanks again so much.